Q: Would you rather I be completely hairless or as hairy as a gorilla?
A: Completely hairless.
Q: What actor would play you in a movie about your life?
A: If I could get a younger Frances McDormand, that’s who I’d want. But Emily Deschanel works, too.
Q: Who would play your love interest (aka, me) in a movie about your life?
A: Vin Diesel.
Q: Would you rather our children grow up to be 8 feet tall or 3 feet tall?
A: 8 feet tall.
Q: If you had to go a week without your phone, what would you miss the most about it?
A: Not taking pictures of my kids.
Q: What do you like most that I do in bed?
A: When you turn on your side, cover your face, and don’t torture me with your snoring.
Q: What was your first impression of me? Did you ever dislike me?
A: I thought that your hair looked like an afro. I was a little unsure of a second date, since you mumbled so much and I couldn’t hear you, but no, I never disliked you.
Q: What’s your favorite memory of our wedding day?
A: Walking into the reception. We were huge Gamecock fans, so everything was decked out in garnet and black. We had a fog machine going with 2001 (the song the Gamecocks play when the football players come out) playing as we walked in. It gave me chills.
Q: If you woke up tomorrow as a man, what would be the first three things you’d do?
A: Pee standing up, see how far away I can stand while peeing standing up, and then clean the pee off the floor/wall.
Q: Would you rather use whipped cream or hot fudge?
A: Whipped cream.
Q: What do you think is your best physical feature?
A: Probably my eyes or hair. It looks nice some days.
Q: What do you think is my best physical feature?
A: Your eyes.
Q: If you could be on any reality TV show, which one would it be?
A: Impractical Jokers. I’d like to be in on a prank.
Q: Have you ever obsessed over anything? (toys, movies, projects, people, problems)
A: I obsess over stuff every single day. Instead of going with my brand of crazy obsessions, I’ll just go with the type of stuff normal people obsess over — Lord of the Rings toys and movies, opening a business, Star Wars movies, football.
Q: What were your nicknames growing up, including the ones you didn’t want to stick?
A: Pokey, Tuna, Prances With Wolves.
Q: If I let you dress me, what would I wear on our next date?
A: You would wear a pair of nice khakis, a buttoned down shirt, a bow tie, and your blue loafers. You would also have a nice haircut and your beard would be trimmed.
Q: Would you ever role play in bed?
Q: Yoga pants or skirts?
A: Yoga pants.
Q: What song would you sing for your audition on The Voice?
Q: Is there a food that reminds you of me?
A: Chicken parm, because that’s one of the first dishes you ever made me.
Q: Is there a memory you have of me that always makes you laugh?
A: When you almost got in a fight at a Walmart parking lot because I flipped off an asshole driver. You had no idea that I did it until they jumped out of the truck and started screaming at us.