21 Questions I Asked My Wife

Q: Would you rather I be completely hairless or as hairy as a gorilla?
A: Completely hairless.

Q: What actor would play you in a movie about your life?
A: If I could get a younger Frances McDormand, that’s who I’d want. But Emily Deschanel works, too.

Q: Who would play your love interest (aka, me) in a movie about your life?
A:  Vin Diesel.

Q: Would you rather our children grow up to be 8 feet tall or 3 feet tall?
A: 8 feet tall.

Q: If you had to go a week without your phone, what would you miss the most about it?
A: Not taking pictures of my kids.

Q: What do you like most that I do in bed?
A: When you turn on your side, cover your face, and don’t torture me with your snoring.

Q: What was your first impression of me? Did you ever dislike me?
A: I thought that your hair looked like an afro. I was a little unsure of a second date, since you mumbled so much and I couldn’t hear you, but no, I never disliked you.

Q: What’s your favorite memory of our wedding day?
A: Walking into the reception. We were huge Gamecock fans, so everything was decked out in garnet and black. We had a fog machine going with 2001 (the song the Gamecocks play when the football players come out) playing as we walked in. It gave me chills.


Q: If you woke up tomorrow as a man, what would be the first three things you’d do?
A: Pee standing up, see how far away I can stand while peeing standing up, and then clean the pee off the floor/wall.

Q: Would you rather use whipped cream or hot fudge?
A: Whipped cream.

Q: What do you think is your best physical feature?
A: Probably my eyes or hair. It looks nice some days.

Q: What do you think is my best physical feature?
A: Your eyes.

Q: If you could be on any reality TV show, which one would it be?
A: Impractical Jokers. I’d like to be in on a prank.

Q: Have you ever obsessed over anything? (toys, movies, projects, people, problems)
A: I obsess over stuff every single day. Instead of going with my brand of crazy obsessions, I’ll just go with the type of stuff normal people obsess over — Lord of the Rings toys and movies, opening a business, Star Wars movies, football.

Q: What were your nicknames growing up, including the ones you didn’t want to stick?

A: Pokey, Tuna, Prances With Wolves.

Q: If I let you dress me, what would I wear on our next date?
A: You would wear a pair of nice khakis, a buttoned down shirt, a bow tie, and your blue loafers. You would also have a nice haircut and your beard would be trimmed.

Q: Would you ever role play in bed?
A: Sure.

Q: Yoga pants or skirts?
A: Yoga pants.

Q: What song would you sing for your audition on The Voice?
A: Landslide.

Q: Is there a food that reminds you of me?
A: Chicken parm, because that’s one of the first dishes you ever made me.

Q: Is there a memory you have of me that always makes you laugh?
A: When you almost got in a fight at a Walmart parking lot because I flipped off an asshole driver. You had no idea that I did it until they jumped out of the truck and started screaming at us.


LM Scores Game Winner

Allow me to briefly acknowledge and apologize for the long gap since my last post. It’s been busy and I’m terrible at keeping up with things that require a lot of effort. It’s a lame excuse, but it’s the truth. I’m very lazy in a lot of ways.

At any rate back to the topic at hand. Our LM has played soccer, with the exception of two seasons since, he was 4. Despite being one of the strongest players on most every teams he’s been on he’s never scored a goal other than at practice. He’s big and quick so he normally plays midfield.

This week we’ve sent him to a soccer camp at a local church. Well tonight while driving home he tells me his team won tonight and he scored the only goal! I’m not sure who was more proud.

Tomorrow night is the last night and it’s the campers vs their coaches and the parents are invited to attend. I can’t wait to see LM in action again doing what he loves so much.

Z Is For Zombie Apocalypse

E and I are big fans of The Walking Dead. Tonight she and I had a discussion on which character we’d be and why.
E – She would undoubtedly be Carol. She’s as tough as nails. A born survivor. She’s kind, gentle and does whatever it takes to protect her own.
Little Man would absolutely be Euguene. The brilliant mind who at first needed protection, but eventually molds himself into a certified bad ass.
Baby Girl would Carl. That sweet kid that you know you can’t quite trust. He’s equally capable of offering you his last morsel of good and gutting you over a bottle of water.
I would be Morgan. The fierce protector who at first lost his shit after the loss of his wife and child. But eventually the rational side takes over and becomes a tether to the old world where calmness and reason is the norm.
Who would you be and why?

Y Is For YB

That’s what his friends called him, either that or Yank. I called him Paw Paw. My mom was his youngest daughter and from my early childhood up until his death in 94 we were inseparable. From the time I could barely walk every where he went I would want to go too. I slept in his bed up until I was well old enough to remember it vividly. Despite being 70 years old when I was born he was still in good health. He would plow a half acre garden and work it every summer up until he was in his early 80s. I still remember going to the sale as he called it, but most people just called it the farmers market, where he’d sell his honey and a few crops from his garden.

He taught me nearly everything I know about being a man and more importantly about being a husband and a father. He taught me how to be patient and kind. He taught me how to stand up for mysellf. He was a great example of what a Godly man should be. I know that he’d be proud of the man I’ve become, but I know I can and should be better. 

Who’s example is the measuring stick for your life?

U is For Unforgiven

I’ve always been a musical person. I grew up in a musical family. My father and his brothers and sisters were in a Gospel band when I was in middle school/high school. My grandfather would play his guitar on his front porch and I’d sing along. At an early age my brothers and I would sing in front of the church.

At 18 I picked up the guitar and started teaching myself to play. Over the last 20 years I’ve became a decent rhythm guitarist. The first song I learned to play?

Metallica’s Unforgiven.

O is Orange Crush

I’m not talking about the classic REM song. Gamecock football fans know what I’m talking about. For years the schedule makers would have us ending the season against Tennessee, Florida and Clemson. All three school’s primary colors are orange. Nearly every season we’d get our skulls caved in by the Vols and the Gators. By the time we’d get to Clemson, our arch rival, we’d be battered and bruised. More times than not we’d lose to them too.

Every year we started well it was like Charlie Brown kicking the ball just to have Lucy pull it away again. We’d could start the year in pretty good shape and Gamecock fans would be excited at the possibility of a good bowl game.

It didn’t matter though after that dreaded 3 game stretch 5-3 or 6-2 starts would end with either sitting at home during bowl season or playing in some crap bowl after finish 5-6 or 6-5 again.

Thankfully about 10 years ago they started adding bye weeks or non-conference games before Clemson. It did a great job of breaking up that run of tough opponents.

Carolina joined the SEC in 1992 and in the 14 years prior to the change in 2005 Carolina went a combined 5-37 against the Orange Crush. With 4 wins coming against Clemson and the lone win against our orange clad SEC brothers coming against UT in 1992.

The change, amongst other things including Tennessee and Florida regressing, worked. Since 2005 Carolina is a combined 16-17 against those 3 and more importantly 6-5 against Clemson.

That might not be something to write home about, but it is leaps and bounds better than 5-37!

What are some of your not so fond sports memories?

N is for Naked Running Spells

I lived on campus my first year at Carolina and loved every minute of it. It was a great experience and I’m glad I did it. I became close friends with some great people there including the 3Cs of Longcreek Drive. One evening while listening to Paul Simon’s Kodachrome I got jacked up and took off running down the dorm hallway full blast. Over the next few days upon hearing those magical words, “When I look back at all the crap I learned in high school..” I’d takeoff running. It kind of became a running joke and I’d do it a lot when drunk. It was a blast to run full blast down that hall. Later C #1 would call them running spells.

The story gets better.   Our suite was a popular hang out spot. We had a Sega Genesis and two of the four guys who lived there were seldom there so we had more space. One of my suite-mates, K, really didn’t like people in his room after 9. He was seldom there though as he spent most of his time at the library. He required 9-10 hours of sleep per night plus naps at the library so when he’d come back to his room he was ready for bed.

One night, K, steps out of the shower with towel around his waist. He sees about 4 guys sitting on his bed so he steps into the hall and removes the towel from around his waist. Ala Superman he hangs it over his shoulder as a makeshift cape and the Naked Running Spell was born. From that night on all it would take for folks to clear out of his room would be for K to step out of the shower with his towel around his waist and him casually mention it being a good night for a run. Occasionally he’d have to accidentally drop his towel by his bed, but eventually we all got the point and he got his peace and quiet by 9.

What are some of your dorm room stories?

M is for Mothers

A few days ago I shared with you my take on fathers. My take on mothers is a lot rosier. It of course comes from the two mothers in my life. Granted she’s made a lot of mistakes, but my mama is a very loving and caring mother. She’s very generous and is very helpful with BG and LM. E and I can always count on her and my step-dad to be there when we need them. I love them both dearly. They’re excellent parents and grandparents.

The other mother in my life is of course my infinitely better half, E. My children couldn’t ask for a better mama. As LM used to sing 

“I love my mama she’s the best. Oh my mama she’s the best. Oh my mama, oh my mama, she’s the really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really best.”

She really is great too! She’s not only good at the typical mom stuff like baking cookies, kissing boo boos and comforting them when they’re scared, but she is one of the most empathic people I’ve ever known. No matter what LM is going through she can get down on his level and be what ever he needs without even having to ask what he needs. It’s awe inspiring. We have a bit of a running joke that she speaks LM. He often gets wound up when trying to describe a situation and I sometimes have no idea what he’s talking about. I call for an interpreter and usually within moments she knows exactly what he is saying and the situation gets resolved. He loses things a lot. She’ll put herself in his world and finds it within seconds. It’s uncanny.

 BG thinks she is the sun and the moon. Wherever E us that is where she needs to be. Bathroom visits? Not without her watching. Making dinner? Not without her under her foot. I sometimes tell BG that E is my mommie and the if looks could kill I wouldn’t be here to share this story.

She truly is amazing with them both, but despite how awesome she is she seems to frequently doubt her parenting skills. If she could see the way I see her look at our children and the way they look at her maybe it would help. Maybe not, but I know she loves them dearly and she tries her very best and as LM says:

“I wouldn’t want any other mommie. If I could have any mommie in the world I’d want my mommie.”

Me too LM, me too.